Alcoholics Served Anonymously

Well, HSC has finally managed to fill one of their winter ASA courses in the Caribbean! This despite a cost of $1600/person-- not including airfare. The total: 4 students x 1600 = $6400 paid to the club.

The one week course will be "taught" by Don Hanna, a nice guy to be sure. But where does all that money go? If the boat rental costs four grand (a liberal estimate), and each person eats $20 in food per day (5 people x 7 days x $20/day = $700 in food), which is another liberal estimate given they'll be cooking on board, that still leaves at least $1700. For what?

Don is getting paid for his vacation, er, teaching, presumably at the HSC A-S-A rate of $10/hr (x 7 days x 8 hrs/day = $560). But that still leaves at least $1100 for... what? Is HSC trying to profit now from their winter "classes"? Is some of that money for Caribbean female companionship? (it's all guys on this cruise!) Or is the whole $1100 for alcohol..?! That seems a little excessive, but let's do the math.

As a longtime Hoofer, I know I can drink around $30 in booze per day, especially on a cruise, er, lesson, in the Caribbean. So, 7 days x 5 people x $30/day = $1050.

Looks like that remaining $1100 is indeed for refreshments.

Spreading the disease

As many people know, ex-Vice-Commodore Bridget Maniaci is now a Madison alderperson. And wouldn't ya know, Maniaci likes her new job--even though it's not intended as an actual job. So she was miffed when someone covertly notified the press that she was trying to get health insurance and pensions for Madison alderpeople. Maniaci's apparent motive was to facilitate making alderperson a full time career.

Isn't Maniaci aware that the whole point of a city council composed of aldermen ("elder men", or wise elders) is to involve successful, experienced--and hence older--citizens in important decision-making..? Apparently not. It's debatable whether or not Madison's common council actually makes important decisions anyway, considering that one of their recent votes was on whether to make the plastic flamingo Madison's official bird.

But back to Maniaci. Did her year or two on the Hoofer Sailing Club BOC make her a wise old man (or woman)..? Hardly. Instead, it appears Maniaci picked up some bad habits from Hoofers, likely from her ex-boss, the criminal Jim Rogers, who has spent the last three decades sliming his way into every nook and cranny at the Wisconsin Union. He has made a career out of positions that were not intended to be long-term, e.g. 15 years as head sailing instructor.

Similarly, alderperson is not intended to be a career move, but health insurance and a pension would sure help with that.

Wis. Union Director revealed to be interdimensional demon

Union Director Mark Guthier was caught recently by his own surveillance cameras, resulting in the photo at right, obtained earlier today by our operatives. Apparently, the spacing of the cameras throughout the building inadvertently created a Higgs boson induction array, revealing Guthier's true biology.

Other Union staff including Jim Rogers, the security guards, and other individuals who have committed criminal acts or engaged in suspicious activity are now presumed to be interdimensional demons too, possibly minions of Guthier.

But does this really come as any surprise, considering the harm Guthier has wrought on students and other Union members since becoming director in 2001? Among other things, he forced a $200 million fee increase on legions of future students to provide himself with an enormous and unprecedented discretionary budget. We wonder what on Earth he could need so much money for. Perhaps to try to build a portal back to his own dimension..? Or worse, to abduct humans into it? One can only imagine what evil he is up to.

BREAKING NEWS: Jim Rogers removed!

Details are still sketchy, but the Wis. Union's Human Resources office has confirmed that Hoofer Advoosigator Jim Rogers is being "reassigned" to another position at the union. According to Human Resources, from now on Jim will have nothing to do with Hoofers anymore.

He is being removed from Hoofers apparently as a result of serious policy violations and/or violations of law. Jim has until Friday to clear out his desk in the upper office.

Bon voyage, buddy!

Sept 28 update: As most everyone is aware by now, Jim Rogers' removal is official. He is now an "adviser" in WUD. And don't believe it when he says he wanted to leave Hoofers. He was forced to accept reassignment.

Paid to Party

Would have posted this sooner but wanted to include visual aids. At right is a graph showing the sharp drop in sailing lessons during 2010's "Instructor weekend off," which took place last weekend (Aug 20-22). This is an annual "HSC" "event" which is only open to instructors (and their friends, lovers, sex partners, would-be sex partners, toy providers, etc). General club members are not invited or allowed to come along even though (or because?) they make up 90% of the club.

The stated purpose of Instructor Weekend Off is to "get away" from all those annoying general club members, i.e. the ones who pay to take lessons. Former Head of Instruction Jim Rogers put it this way: "The club may disintegrate without us, but we'll only be gone for a few days."

The private event helps to facilitate "bonding" among sailing instructors--who are better, harder-working people than all those annoying general club members--and to let the instruction staff have a big party weekend at general club members' expense. It's a reward for doing all that "work" teaching lessons (as if teaching sailing is actual work), organizing Commodore's Cup, and so on. Except, instructors are already getting paid by the hour and the commodore gets paid a stipend.

The sad fact is, when you join the Hoofer sailing "club" as a paying member, club leaders are mainly after your money which will help make life more fun for them. There are many other instructor-and-BOC-only events during the season, including weekly instructor-only parties every Tuesday night (not open to general club members... sorry.) Yet, those sailing instructors weren't "hired" because they were qualified; they got hired because their party buddies were on the hiring committee.

The problem with a few club members (e.g. instructors and BOC) having fun at everyobody else's expense is that it is anathema to a true, egalitarian club. Exclusiveness is malignancy in a social organization like Hoofers.

Blowin' and suckin'

Well, it's official: UW-Madison now sucks. UW didn't even crack the top 100 best colleges in Forbes/U.S. News' new 2010 report. The question is: why..?

Here's what we think: Since sometime in the 1990s, the UW has been run by crooks who are more interested in their own status and authority than they are in the welfare of students (or Wisconsinites in general). The rot starts right at the top with former chancellor John Wiley and new incompetent Carolyn Martin. Some of all that fat must have gotten into her brain. Continuing down the hierarchy, at least three of the six or so vice chancellors are incompetents or crooks, the Wis. Union Director is a felon, half of his staff are criminals, and Hoofers is run by.... you guessed it, cunning little crooks. (well, not all little....)

Don't be confused by the term "college" in the Forbes report--it includes all American colleges and universities. Michigan, Virginia, North Carolina, Berkeley--they're listed, and they are big state universities like UW-Madison. Indeed, the UW used to be great, but a decade or so ago, the creeps in charge decided to emphasize football (and general stupidity) instead of academics. Thanks, Mr. Wiley! They're also fond of fundraising that elevates their status while contributing nothing to the UW. For example, tearing down perfectly good buildings to replace them with newer ones. Wiley's grand vision was a campus like Purdue's, where every single building is red brick, and nice, wide pedestrian walkways--blanketed by surveillance cameras, of course (caution: that link is to a UW propaganda page). The WUFUCYOU seg fee scam was a big part of that plan. It didn't pass at first (of course), so Union management kept forcing re-votes until it did! Can you spell s-l-e-a-z-y c-r-o-o-k-s?

Signs of the decline are everywhere on campus, including Memorial Union--but not for the reasons promoted by the sleazy Union director. Next time you're at the Union, look around. Today, instead of swirling pot smoke in the Ratcellar and women breast-feeding their babies on the Terrace (common sights in the 1980s), you'll see security guards patrolling under a canopy of surveillance cameras.

What's amazing is that UW ever was a top school. But hey, at least it's still a great party school! (as in, lots of alcohol.)

(check back tomorrow for more links and references.)

Too drunk to count?

The election results are in! Our new commodore is Margaux, with a whopping 64% of the vote! That was really easy to calculate because she got 64 votes and a total of 100 votes were cast. apparently. Preliminary numbers:

Margie 64 Justin 26 Dan 10

But wait... photos taken at the election show that only about 45 people were present! Were the officials too drunk to count? Those guys in the second row look pretty hammered (what's that guy in the maroon shirt doing--getting ready to heave into his cup?) Or was it simply business as usual?

We think the latter.

Let's see if management don't alter those numbers downward to better reflect the number of people who were actually there...

Meet the candidates!

It's August already, meaning it is time once again for the annual Commodore election!! The election will be Wednesday evening at 8PM (check TITU).

The commodore election is crucial--the lucky winner receives money, adulation, friends (at least for a year), ratings, and the power to put it to whoever s/he doesn't like! To help you make the right choice, here's a brief summary of each candidate's platform:

Justin Cherniak - "More money for me and other paid staff!"

Dan Burkhart - "Cheaper (and better) beer for socials!"

Margaux Stutz - "I really want to be commodore!"

Try not to throw up at the election.

R&B as Microcosm

A brief recap of the season to date:

1. Ex-commodore Chris Frye and his ex-commodore buddies get wasted to celebrate the start of a new season.
2. HSC instructor Andy Evenson (and buddies) take the rescue motorboat (with refreshments) on a joyride to Lake Monona.
3. A botched lesson by HSC instructor Ken Jewell lands some of his students in the hospital.
4. Club leaders use "fair and impartial means" to decide who gets the best boats for Rhythm & Booms; Chris Frye "wins" Soma and celebrates by getting bladdered up again.
5. There are fireworks and much alcohol.
6. Chris Frye skippers Soma, a six-tonne keelboat, even though he's so intoxicated he can barely talk.
7. J-Captain Randy Mullis "teaches" a J29 lesson where his students repeatedly make incompetent landing attempts.
8. Mullis then harasses other long-time club members about their keelboat qualifications.
9. Club "leaders" Evenson, Frye, Jewell, and Mullis are congratulated for being so cool.
10. It's Commodore's Cup... Let's party!!!!

NOTE: all of the above are State of Wis. employees, and collectively, they typify the alcoholism, incompetence, and abuse that permeate Hoofers.

Instructor evaluations

New this year: evaluations of selected Hoofer sailing instructors!

We kick off our new feature with a random pick: former commodore Chris Frye.

NOTE: Chris' evaluation has been moved to the new Instructor Evaluations section--use the menubar link to the right!

Join Hoofers; Don't get killed

This past week, HSC sailing instructor Ken Jewel got the "Funky Monkey" award for sending two of his students to the hospital. Har har. That's pretty funny, er, funky.

"That which does not kill us only makes us stronger" wrote a fellow instructor. Um, yeah... it's not gonna kill you; it's the 500 or so general club members who need to worry. Meanwhile, the instructors are all smiles (see photo) as they go recklessly about their business, get paid for it, plus get free memberships, weekly private parties, obnoxious posters proclaiming that "we're better than you" and so on. They are definitely better at causing injuries, I'll give 'em that.

Word has it that Ken is a great party boy, though, so his job isn't at risk. You can read more here.

"We don't harass women in Hoofers"

In a recent study, 84% of men whose actions matched the legal definition of rape said that what they did was definitely not rape[1]. Similar results have been obtained in other studies for other sex-related crimes.

Many people—men and women alike—consider "sexual harassment" to be a bunch of bull (no pun intended). It's so easy to make up a story, file a complaint, even get somebody, normally a male, charged with sexual harassment or sexual assault, even if they didn't do anything wrong. Well guess what?

At least two of the past eight HSC commodores, both of whom are men in their 30s or 40s, have been formally charged with sex-related violations (and we're betting it's more than two). You can download the most recent investigation here.

The question is: does becoming commodore make it more or less likely that an individual will become sexually aggressive..?

We suspect it's the former, given the commodore's sweeping authority within HSC. But if it's the latter (or if it makes no difference), that would suggest that sexual harassment (and possibly assault) are widespread in Hoofers.

But hey, two out of eight still means that three out of four commodores are not engaging in sexual harassment of female club members. Them's pretty good odds, eh? So c'mon, girls! Join up!

Predators and Prey.

*Predators and Prey is an ongoing series focusing on Hoofer Sailing Instructors and other club "leaders". If you would like to be featured, please contact us, or just screw up!
[1] Koss, M. P. 1998. Hidden rape: incident, prevalance, and descriptive characteristics of sexual aggression and victimization in a national sample of college students.

Hoofers run by crooks

ABSTRACT: Hoofer leaders are misrepresenting the deposit everyone (except them) must pay to join the club. Their intent is to make the price of membership seem lower than it really is. During the season, they deliberately avoid creating enough work hour projects, and as a result, only about 10% of paying club members can ever get their "deposit" back. The defrauded money goes directly into the pockets of those same Hoofer leaders. It is a criminal scheme that should lead to felony charges against several HSC employees.

Last year in 2009 and, we believe, again this year, HSC leaders, i.e. the Board of Captains (BOC) plus some members of the paid instruction corps, have deliberately misrepresented the $65 "deposit" each person must pay to join the club.

Club leaders advertise membership at a certain price, and they state explicitly that the price includes a $65 "deposit" that will be refunded after you do eight work hours. This makes the cost of membership appear to be significantly lower--assuming you can actually get that deposit back. This is where the fraud comes in. Hoofer leaders actively plan how to avoid having to refund that money.

There are approx. 800 general club members in a given year (varies from year to year), which means a total of around 6400 work hours. Yet, the work hour postings are a lot of menial junk, typically 1-2 hour projects, maybe 10-20 of them listed at any given time. The projects include things like "Assist with Friday social 3 hrs" or "Enter data into computer 1-2 hrs". You can see by simple inspection that there are nowhere near enough work hours for 800 people to do eight hours of work each in the course of a season. And, no surprise, only a handful of general club members ever get their "deposit" back. In 2009, it was about 10%.

That this is a deliberate plan by club leaders is evidenced by meeting minutes which show them actively discussing the "deposits" as a major source of annual income. Eight hundred people provide a total of $52,000 in "deposits"—no small sum. At a February 7, 2009 budget meeting, the BOC discussed this fact, and some BOC members pointed out that "advertising more work hours" would negatively impact income (i.e. their spending money). That money goes directly to pay instructors and to provide free memberships for all those BOC members and their buddies, as well as to provide "refreshments" for the weekly instructor parties (which are not open to general club members) and for other "staff"-only events. In other words, those defrauded deposits GO DIRECTLY INTO THEIR POCKETS. Looked at differently, every deposit that has to be refunded is money straight out of their pockets. That's called motive to commit a crime.

The fact that it is a deliberate plan, i.e. that the "deposits" are never really intended to be refunded, makes it criminal. The scheme appears to be a violation of Wis. Stat. § 100.18 (misrepresentation) and Wis. Stat. § 943.20 (theft). Moreover, when you have a bunch of people sitting in a room figuring out how to defraud some other people (in this case, as many general club members as possible), then it is felony conspiracy. The distinction between Hoofer "leaders" and general club members is important because the 100 or so "leaders" DON'T HAVE TO PAY A DEPOSIT OR A MEMBERSHIP FEE, yet they're the ones deciding how to spend all that money paid by general club members. For theft of property worth over $10,000 and conspiracy to commit that theft, the penalty is up to 10 years in prison. As noted above, the security deposits of 800 club members amount to some $52,000. If you prefer, the fraud can be viewed as some 700 counts of misdemeanor theft.

There is no doubt that club leaders know what they're doing is wrong. This is evidenced by complaints against people who take unofficial minutes at BOC meetings. If you're up to no good, you sure don't want anyone taking notes! Hoofers' ongoing efforts to classify their meetings as private, i.e. not subject to Wis. Open Meeting law, are presumably related. When the "official" minutes for the Feb-7-09 budget meeting finally appeared months later on the club's website, they contained gaps where malfeasance such as the "deposit" fraud had been discussed—further evidence that the participants knew it was wrong.

It is worth noting that Hoofer Coordinator Jim Rogers, a full-time UW employee, was present at the 7-Feb-2009 budget meeting where the massive deposit fraud was discussed, and he did not object. Coincidentally, 90% (the amount not refunded) of $52,000 is $46,000, which just happens to be Rogers' current annual salary.

To summarize, Hoofer Sailing Club's practice is to:
(1) Advertize that a substantial portion of the membership price is a "deposit" that will be refunded;
(2) Discuss in secret meetings how to avoid actually having to refund that money.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when at first we join the HSC.....

Fighting for cash

Like a dozen squealing piglets fighting over six* nipples, Hoofer leaders are spending their offseason arguing over what else they can get paid for. Paid keelboat instruction is the latest rage. What's wrong with giving people money to teach on the club's largest boats..? Everything.

For one, there has never been a shortage of qualified volunteer instructors on those boats. This contrasts with the lower fleets, e.g. Techs and Badger Sloops. The ratings flowchart naturally requires more ratings on those beginner boats, which is logical and necessary, but it creates a huge demand for Tech lessons--and the responsibility to provide enough of them. Plus, the smaller boats leak, they're tippy, and so on. Thus paid instruction is necessary for Techs and Slops in particular (and probably sailboards). Everything else should be 100% volunteer because Hoofers is a club, at least according to its constitution. It is not a paid service organization where employees work for members, although it's coming to resemble that more and more.

The more money that flows within the "club", the higher the membership cost and the more incentive there is to shut people out. It's hard enough to get rated on the keelboats without having the added disincentive (from the paid instructors' point of view) of you the student potentially taking their paying job away.

Simply put, the large keelboats are the pinnacle of sailing in Hoofers. Paying anyone to teach on them is like paying someone to have sex. It just isn't necessary. In fact, it's decadent and degenerate. And yet, some people who've been teaching on the keelboats for years are salivating at the thought. They should be ashamed because skippering those boats is reward enough.

If you want a job, go find a bloody job.

*Most sows actually have 12 teats, but they nurse lying on their side, so only six are accessible at any one time.

A crook on the board

Here's an amazing and disturbing new story about public employees. Journalist Steven Greenhut, author of the new book "Plunder: How Public Employee Unions Are Raiding Treasuries, Controlling Our Lives and Bankrupting the Nation" (good summary and review here), talked about it this week on WPR. You can listen to the entire 45min show for a limited time.

Although Greenhut focuses on California, he makes very clear that this is a serious nationwide problem. And although he focuses on public employee unions, they are assisted in their plundering by administrators, legislators, and the courts—the three branches of "government". Could anyone possibly believe it's just coincidence that the people who write the laws also happen to have the best pension plans, the best health care, the best benefits packages, and the most vacation time..? And that's not all. Despite being grossly overpaid to begin with (e.g. $175,000/year for Orange County firefighters!?), many public employees manipulate loopholes in the law—laws made up by their fellow state employees—to obtain extra benefits. Many even engage in actual criminal behaviour to obtain even more cash. All of this comes from the taxpayers, of course, i.e. from the people the state employees supposedly work for. Meanwhile, the rest of us have expensive health plans, or none at all. We have shaky retirement "investment" plans, limited unpaid vacations, and we work 70 hour weeks like slaves. As if that weren't enough, the state employees work actively to eliminate social security, they refuse to pass national health care, they charge us with every little violation they possibly can (to wring even more money out of us), and so on.

Take a minute to read this short but stunning Wall Street Journal article on the issue.

What does all this have to do with Hoofers..? I think you know (sung in melodic voice).... All Wis. Union and Hoofer staff are State of Wisconsin employees. Most of them are grossly overpaid (e.g. Susan Dibbell: $101,000/year plus benefits!?), and many of them are crooks.

For further reading [click]

At the risk of straying too far from HSC topics, it's worth noting that the United States has more people in prison (as a percentage of its total population) than any other country. Whatever your theory to explain that, it indicates that something is wrong. We're researching the percentage of inmates who are state employees, but those stats are not easy to find.

Corruption permeates every level of American government now. This means that most or all judges are corrupt. That's self evident because the more power you get, the more corrupt you become, and judges are right at the top of the power pyramid. Check this story out. Two Pennsylvania judges were convicted in 2009 of extorting more than $2.5 million in kickbacks to sentence minors to private prisons! Predictably, the Pennsylvania Bar immediately decried the judges' behaviour and assured the public that all remaining judges are honorable, upstanding guys. Anyone with a brain knows better. Those were only two judges who got caught, the tip of an enormous iceberg of corruption.

Yale scholar James Whitman writes: "Far from serving as a model for the world, contemporary America is viewed with horror" (Social Research 74:2, 251-68, 2007). Similarly, Hoofers should be viewed with horror by anyone who desires a functional, egalitarian, and nourishing club environment.

Hoofers looking to marry ASA

The push to join the American Sailing Association (ASA) continues. Hoofer Sailing club is desperate to find a way to streamline its chaotic and foundering keelboat program. It seems those kb instructors also want to get paid even though club rules don't allow it.


We see several problems with Hoofers marrying up (and the problems are mostly for the ASA):

(1) Hoofer leaders include too many rump-humping yahoos who like to play bumper boats, blow out spinnakers, and even sink boats. And they normally do it drunk. Nothing is going to change Wisconsin's alcoholic culture, but it could affect the reputation of the ASA.

(2) Hoofers is run by criminals, not the least of whom is Hoofer Coordinator Jim Rogers. A formal relationship could have repercussions for the ASA.

(3) Over the past decade, several leading club members tried on several occasions to make the keelboat program more rigorous and were laughed out of the room each time. Now Hoofer keelboaters are looking for outside help?

(4) Hoofers is located on tiny Lake Mendota, so the only courses that could even be taught here are ASA 101 (Basic Keelboat) and perhaps 119 (Weather). Even 101 is iffy because it requires "moderate winds and sea conditions" and L. Mendota never gets moderate sea conditions, only rarely getting waves of more than one foot. Only during thunderstorms do we get bigger waves, but then the red flag goes up!

(5) All other ASA courses are clearly out, e.g. coastal cruising, bareboat chartering, etc.

Which begs the question: What is the real motivation for wanting ASA affiliation? It can't be to teach ASA classes because only a handful could even be taught here. Is it to justify paying keelboat instructors..? There is a long tradition of not paying them since Hoofers is (in theory) a volunteer-run club, not a sailing service. At least the kb program can take pride in abiding the club's constitution, while the rest of the club cannot. Now the keelboaters want to do an about-face!? Or are they hoping to standardize and validate Hoofers' ridiculously erratic program? That was already tried in the past and failed utterly.

We suspect certain club leaders have had trouble getting approved to charter and figure easy ASA ratings would be the best way to fix that problem.

March 8 update: You never can tell whether Hoofers are serious or not. Check out this flowchart of the proposed ASA program. It looks like maybe they're joking after all.

Sobering stats for would-be instructors

So you passed the instructor exam (or not), and you've got an interview lined up. Woo hoo! Don't get your hopes up just yet though. Here are last year's stats:

* 117 applicants (65 return applicants and 52 new)
* Of the 52 new applicants, 27 got interviews
* of those 27, 14 were offered positions
* 73 instructors were selected overall

Thus, your odds of getting "hired" are over 90% if you're a returning instructor but just 25% if you're a new applicant. Amazingly, of the approx. 73 total instructors "hired" in 2009, every single one of them was white (see photo). None were African-American, none were Asian, and not a one was Native American, but you can bet they all could handle their liquor. Worse, not one single Hoofer Sailing Club member in 2009 was African-American! That's out of more than 800 club members!

Welcome to the most discriminatory club in the world which, by the way, is run by guys who are not only white, blue-eyed, native-English speaking crooks. They also--you guessed it--can handle their liquor.

Feb 27 update: Check out yesterday's Daily Cardinal front page article about diversity and discrimination at UW in general.

Good ol' Joe

It's only February but things are already heating up. Last week, a WPR radio show got a surprise caller. It was Joe Silverberg, long-time Hoofer sailing instructor and the elder of that exclusive club, promoting HSC as a volunteer organization. What's wrong with that, you say..? HSC is no more volunteer than Walmart is. More than 60% of the club's $300,000 annual budget goes directly to pay instructors and shop staff [ref]. The rest goes to buy beer for instructor parties, to purchase new boats, etc.

It is grossly inappropriate for a long-time Hoofer Sailing instructor, e.g. Joe S., to misrepresent the club to the public. Nor can Joe claim he doesn't know how things work at Hoofers, i.e. that the vast majority of instructors are paid, because he's one of them. Most HSC sailing instructors wouldn't even teach lessons unless they got paid. In fact, not one instructor who was paid last year offered to volunteer this year! That shows how committed most club "leaders" are to having a "volunteer" club. [NOTE: "instructors" should really be in quotes too since so many of them are incompetent, but that's another story.]

Even former commodore Matt Duerst wrote "yes" next to "Paid" and "NO" next to "Volunteer" on his instructor application. Want more evidence of the "volunteer" club that Joe imagines..? Check out the club's BOC minutes. There's a recent motion to let BOC members get paid too!! Hey, they just want their piece of the pie.

The culture of lying and duplicity and general criminality is slowly infecting everyone who comes into contact with it. Even good ol' Joe.

Hoofer keelboaters sink J24 in Carribean

On Monday Feb. 1, while most of use were freezing our butts off walking to class or hiking to work in Madison, some HSC members were enjoying the balmy breezes--and warm water--of the Caribbean.

HSC Large-Keelboat instructors Mike Moninger and Dennis Kennedy and other experienced Hoofer Sailing Club members who should have known better were racing keelboats off Grenada when along came a big puff. Seconds later, they all found themselves in the water, their boat sinking. Now, anyone who has sailed a J-24 knows that it simply can't be sunk. It's a small yacht with 1200 lbs. of lead in the keel which prevents it from capsizing. Even if you do somehow manage to roll it, e.g. in big waves, the keel will flip it right back up. That is, unless you left your cabin hatch wide open! Well, it's a pain in the butt to have to keep opening and closing that hatch when the beer and liquor are below. But you can't keep it up in the cockpit – J-24's just don't have enough cup-holders! So, you tend to leave the hatch open. Problem is, this wasn't Lake Mendota. It was the ocean.

Here's the story in the local Grenada news with photos. Check out those big waves. They must be, what, 1 or 2 feet in height?

Teach Sailing in 2010

Can you sail or windsurf? Are you popular and good looking? Can you handle your liquor? The Hoofer Sailing Club is searching for 20-25 new applicants to teach sailing in 2010. Part-time and full-time paid and volunteer positions are available. Applications (due February 18) can be printed off the club's official site or picked up at Memorial Union.

A typical day for a summer sailing instructor might include dragging yourself out of bed with a hangover at 8:45 a.m., racing to the Union, meeting with other hung-over instructors at 9 to put the motorboats in the water and discuss the on-the-water plan for your day, kicking back for awhile, grabbing lunch, taking a break to play on boats you'd like to sail, getting certified on those boats (there's nothing to it if you're an instructor), taking another break, and finally teaching one short 3-hour class for adults starting sometime in the afternoon. At sunset join a few fellow instructors for bar food or, more likely, head to someone else's house to get splashed again. Tuesday evenings at sunset are the weekly staff meetings followed by the official weekly instructor party*, but that doesn't stop us from getting wasted on other nights too! Best of all, it's always a private party--general club members aren't invited! Hoofer alumni often report that their time with Hoofers was one of the most enjoyable periods of their lives, though oddly, they often can't remember anyone's name.

+ Secret tips for getting hired![Show/Hide]

Here are our top 10 tricks for getting hired as a Hoofer sailing instructor. These have been picked up over the years and are passed along here just for you:

10. Show up for the interview drunk on your ass. They'll pretend that's not okay, but you'll find out otherwise.
9. Get a face transplant if you're not good looking.
8. Get breast implants if you think you need them.
7. Write smart-assed comments or draw little animations in the margins of the exam. Hoofer leaders don't care about sailing knowledge--they want party buddies who are fun!
6. Sand, patch, re-paint, and teak all 12 keelboats by yourself before the interview. If there's one thing Hoofer leaders like more than fun party buddies, it's people who will do the work for them.
5. Lie as necessary--references are never checked out.
4. Bring a liter bottle of Malibu to the interview. Better yet, bring a half-barrel of quality beer! Even though Union staff will quickly remove it, the act will resonate through the hiring committee and all but guarantee you the job.
3. Show up for the interview in your underwear--works regardless of gender.
2. Make sure it's your friends doing the hiring (accomplishing this is difficult if you're a new applicant). NOTE: do not combine with tip #3 above.
1. Let the Hoofer Advisor have his way with you prior to the completion of the instructor selection process!

Remember--you're not just applying for a job. You're joining a co-ed fraternity!

*Why does the club's official site say "an evening of fun social activity" instead of just being honest and saying "alcohol-drenched keggar"? Not once in the past 20 years has there been a Tuesday night "fun social activity" that didn't involve huge amounts of alcohol. In fact, few lessons are ever scheduled for Wednesday morning for that very reason.

Sailing south from Minnesota

There's not much news because Hoofer leaders are locked away by the fireplace, plotting how to maximize profits in '10. But how 'bout this:

The Dallas Cowgirls came north today and met their maker. That, of course, is Brett Favre who made them cocky by losing to Dallas in all three of his previous playoff appearances against them. But that was back in the 1990s. This time, the 'girls got slaughtered. Final score: 34 to 3.

For details, see this article, fittingly titled "Setting Sail":
http://sports.yahoo.com/

You could even say that Dallas got raped. Now there's something that Hoofer leaders can relate to.

Feb. 7 update: The "Setting Sail" article's title changed almost immediately, and it doesn't matter now anyway since Favre threw the title game away.