Interview with the HOI?

Due to the lack of sailing news, we recently requested an interview with the former head of instruction but were turned down. However, if we had obtained an interview, it almost certainly would have gone something like this (note that we're referring to him as Micky Burger to protect his identity):

Blog: Thanks for agreeing to do this interview.
Burger: I didn't agree. You threatened to report me if I refused.
Blog: That's splitting hairs. Anyway, first question... Why do you think you're better than other people?
Burger: I don't think I'm better. Heh heh.
Blog: I mean 'you' the Hoofer Sailing Club leadership.
Burger: That's like asking white folks why they think they're better than black folks.
Blog: Uh, it's nothing like that, really.
Burger: Hoofers are better than other people, and if you join Hoofers, you'll become better too. Like joining a country club, if they'll let you.
Blog: That mindset seems to infect other Wisconsin Union employees too. Do you think it's because they're losers and are trying to talk themselves up?
Burger: Am I supposed to answer that?

Blog: How about giving us an update on the coronavirus situation and how it affects Hoofers?
Burger: All that's happening right now is B.O.C. meetings. No sailing. I brought this six pack from home because you need a reservation now just to buy beer on the Terrace.
Blog: Yeah, that sucks.

Burger: I love the teenage boy theme in "White Squall". Did you ever see that movie?
Blog: Uh, what?
Burger: [polishes off first can of Old Milwaukee] No?

Blog: Okay, let's move to another topic. What do you think of the recent rioting by the Black Lives Matter movement?
Burger: Yeah, yeah, I know--there are no blacks in Hoofers.
Blog: That wasn't really the question.
Burger: Okay, if they can say black lives matter, can I say that white lives matter even more..? Do I have freedom of expression to say that, or is it like some sort of hate crime?
Blog: Is that what you're saying?
Burger: I'm saying the vandalism on State St. made me sick. And I don't think Hoofers doesn't have black members because we discriminate, if that's what you're asking.
Blog: Ah, that's not really what I was asking. Not yet anyway.
Burger: I just think that white lives matter too. All lives matter, and frats are great at demonstrating that.
Blog: [laughs] Uh, by using racial slurs and having blackface parties and stuff?
Burger: [gulping beer] My frat never did those things.
Blog: But it is having a problem with coronavirus.
Burger: No comment.

Blog: Of course not. Okay, moving on, what's your opinion of Porter Butts?
Burger: He was a great Hoofer and a fine administrator.
Blog: Did you know he was a member of the KKK?
Burger: [drains beer] That's ridiculous. Even if he was, it's not like he was out burning people at the stake.
[Editor's note: Butts was the first Wis. Union director and a member of the KKK.]
Blog: So you don't see any connection between the Grand-daddy of the Wisconsin Union having been a KKK member and the extreme whiteness of Hoofers?
Burger: Oh my gosh, you people are just totally fixating on that.
Blog: Uh, what people?
Burger: Anyone who's not on the club's payroll.

Blog: There are rumors that Hoofer Sailing Club is discriminatory.
Burger: Well, sailing is mainly a sport for young white people. I mean young people. I mean anyone who wants to try it. We absolutely don't discriminate in Hoofers.
Blog: Okaay. So, what's your take on the Supreme Court's decision to cancel the governor's stay-at-home order?
Burger: I think the Republicans did a great job--it let us go bar-hopping again for awhile, and it will result in fewer Democrats voting against them this fall.
Blog: Uh, what?
Burger: Well, Covid-19 disproportionately affects minorities, so lifting the protective order and preventing any new ones will obviously have that result. I assume Robin Vos and Scott Fitzgerald had that in mind when they sued the governor.
Blog: Hmm, interesting point.
Burger: But those two are still crooks.

Blog: [pauses] Okay, what did you like best about the head instructor job?
Burger: The opportunity to work with the youth program. You get to massage, er, manage young men, I mean young minds. You know what I mean.
Blog: Not exactly.
Burger: [gulps beer] The best thing about the HOI job was that it was a paid position. And you get to order people around.
Blog: That's kind of what we figured.

Burger: If we're finished here, could I put in a little plug for Hoofers?
Blog: I suppose so.
Burger: Hoofer Sailing Club rocks, and you can join online right now! We've lowered the price because there's no actual sailing this year, but you can make better friends virtually!
Blog: Ah, prices haven't actually gone down.
Burger: Whatever. It's like Capt. Picard said: 'In the 24th century, we no longer work to accumulate wealth; we work to better ourselves'. Well, you can better yourself by joining Hoofers, and I can accumulate your wealth!
Blog: Well said. Do you mind if I pop that last can of Old Mil?
Burger: If you're buying the next round.

NOTE: If the former HOI (or current HOI) would like to do an interview, we'd be happy to publish that here too.