Our Their new marina

The official coronation of the Peter Tong Family Marina finally took place Friday evening on the lakefront, between the scows and the imaginary crane.

The T'ongs and their offspring spoke in turn about how thrilling it was for them to be a part of this expensive project that would bear their name, and then it was time for the christening. In an act of rather extreme irony, former Grope-a-dore Lukas D. took part in breaking a bottle of champagne to formally inaugurate the "marina". Given the strict prohibition on alcohol in Hoofer sailing, shouldn't it have been a bottle of sparkling grape juice or Kool-Aid? Anyway, watch your step in that area as there may still be glass shards around.

If you had any doubts that the motivation for building the "marina" was to benefit the reputation (and tax returns) of the T'ongs and other donors--and not to benefit Hoofer sailors--look at who was allowed to attend the ceremony: invitees only, with security guards keeping everyone else at bay. (A few Hoofers did manage to sneak in or scored an invite.) Of course, the reason for soliciting big donors to pay for a "marina" in the first place was to give the Union an excuse to take control of the club.

The chancellor was present along with Wis. Union brass and lots of other old prunes, mostly people with money. Even the ones dressed in jeans had $100 bills falling out of their pockets as they slurped alcoholic beverages under a makeshift tent and gave dirty looks to anyone they suspected of sneaking in.

The "Welcome invitees" sign next to the "Disabled people go away" sign was especially fitting (see photo).

It's interesting that in the U.S., tong means an Asian gangsta.

So, is a Peter Dong like a John Thomas? Who was responsible for decorating the lakefront with four foot high concrete phalluses?

At least the new piers are holding up after half a full season.

†We've seen it spelled Tong, T'ong, and Dong. Subtly different, each.

How to make him go away

Are you a female club member, possibly a cute one, and some guy has been harassing you? He talks to you at the lakefront, he says "hi" to you on campus, maybe he even asked you out sailing, but you're not interested. He's just not your type, or maybe he's too old for you, or you've heard bad things about him (slander is the modus operandi in HSC, after all). Hoofers advertises itself as a social organization (see screen at right), but you don't have to be nice to every guy who comes along, even it's the commodore!

The solution? Make a false report to UWPD! Here's how it works:

   1. Start by complaining to a sailing instructor or other HSC staff, and make sure to embellish everything (after all, the target hasn't actually done anything wrong). For example, if an undesirable guy said "hi" to you, exaggerate that into something like "He followed me home" or "he rubbed his junk against me under the canopy". Nobody will have any way of knowing that he didn't do that. This will get the instructor on your side.
   2. If possible, pick an older male instructor who has daughters. There's always a chance he abused them in the past and will therefore be sympathetic to your plight (out of guilt or whatever).
   3. Make a scene on the lakefront at least once so others can see how upset you are by the undesirable guy.
   4. Be sure to exhibit symptoms like annoyance, distress, anxiety, fear, panic, angst, discomposure, and discombobulation (choose any three of the above).
   5. Whatever you do, don't ask the guy to leave you alone. If you do that, he'll still be around and might talk to you again at some point in the future. You want him gone, as in permanently (or at least until you graduate).
   6. Once you've got the instructor (or other Hoofer staff) on board as an accessory, call the cops! It will be extra effective if you can get the instructor to call them first--that will paint you as caring and virtuous before you ever even speak to police.

Like hungry piranhas, UWPD will gobble your story up, in part because of the current #MeToo climate where a woman simply can't tell a lie, and in part because cops are child abusers themselves and like to stalk women too. Crooked cops can't blow off a stalking/harassment report or it might make people suspicious of them. If at all possible, make the report to a female cop--she was likely abused herself in the past and will be doubly sympathetic.

From there, just sit back and let your lies work their magic! The undesirable guy will soon disappear, and you can get back to flirting with the dude (or dame) you really want. Hoofers is a social organization, after all!

NOTE: For entertainment purposes only. We aren't actually recommending that anyone do this, even though several Hoofer women already have. Making a false police report is a serious crime on par with hitting someone in the head with a baseball bat. Hoofer employees will be glad to help, though.

Btw, interesting statistics in the recent comment by Mr. Math, Thx.