A penny bonus!

JUNE 4 UPDATE: Pirate's Day 2019 has been postponed until August 24 due to the total lack of piers. Who wants to bet Commodore's Cup will also be postponed? PD after C-Cup would be very odd in any case. Note that "If you are removed from the event due to behavioral misconduct, a refund will not be given." Behavioral misconduct? In Hoofers..? Aww, c'mon.

Do you desperately need a job? Are you willing to work for a pittance? Do you get off on harassing people? If you answered "yes" to all three of these questions, then we have a job for you!

The Wisconsin Union is hiring for various summer positions, including dishwasher and building manager. Student building manager is a highly coveted position that not only pads your resume (if your career objective is to be a bouncer or a prison guard) but authorizes you to harass people at will. You'll get your kicks by: carding anyone who looks underage (read: cute chicks and their boyfriends), ordering people to take their non-Union food elsewhere, telling people you don't like to leave, and calling the police to come and harass people professionally. Be the enforcer on the Terrace!

It's too bad some people are so shallow and petty, but not everyone has what it takes to become a scientist or engineer.

And it gets even better.... Student positions are now paying an extra 0.50/hr. Yes, you read that correctly--that's 50¢ over and above our normal low wage! You won't get rich, and it won't pay your tuition, but fifty cents will buy you a piece of bubble gum, half a candy bar, or a postage stamp! (Does this offer include sailing instructor positions? We're not sure.)

For comparison, the Union director's salary is $160,000 per annum. Holy greenbacks, Batman! For you non-engineers, that's 320,000 times the 50¢ bonus.

So apply now and join the brotherhood of Wisconsin Union staff! Sailing instructor applications are here. Note that sailing instructor offers some of the same perks as building manager, e.g. authority and immunity to mess with people you don't like.

In other news, the estate of Yu Chen finally filed suit this week against the UW Rescue employees responsible for his death.

Pirate's Day cancelled!

JUNE 7 UPDATE: Pirate's Day isn't cancelled after all. It's just postponed from June 8 to August 24! That will be weird, but August is a good time for an event.

It's almost June, there are keelboats in the water... and there's no place to land them (see photo). At least, there's no place to land them at Hoofers. Alumni pier is an option, but is it really any surprise that the piers are behind schedule?

The new piers were supposed to be ready by May. That's difficult to prove because all the construction timetables seem to have disappeared. The whiners were right, of course, that they wouldn't be ready on time. Perhaps the "marina" plan was so eagerly accepted by club leaders (hi Mills!) in the first place because they were told the piers would be ready for the 2019 season. Still, it seems like the plan was rammed down our throats.

Given that we have no piers and will be forced to launch boats by shoving them off the boardwalk, this year's Pirate's Day is in dire jeopardy of being cancelled. It won't be cancelled entirely--people can still dress in drag and come down to the lakefront boozefestKool-Aid fest, but there won't be much sailing, and no treasure hunt without Badger sloops.

We'll be lucky to have piers by Commodore's Cup, and by then most people will have forgotten how to sail.

Will there be an adjustment, e.g. a membership extension, for people who purchased annual memberships last May or June?

Special election for special guyz

For those who've been asleep at the wheel, the commodore election this year is much earlier than in the past--it's next week. Actually, it was supposed to be in March, but no one who got nominated wanted to be commodore! So, we try again.

The reasoning behind the change to early-season elections was that many students leave town in early August, right around the time the election has traditionally been held in the past. At least, I think that's the reason, but I'm usually asleep at the wheel and/or drunk during BOC meetings.

This Friday, May 10, is now the last day to nominate someone for commodore, vice-commodore, or (heh-heh) rear commodore. That last position, a new one, is something like a$$ queen, I guess, but hey, it gets somebody else another free membership, and Hoofers is all about getting free stuff.

Here are some of the benefits of being commodore:
• A FREE annual membership.
• Power, and lots of it.
• No responsibility.
• Superuser login to the website, letting you remove ratings anonymously, collect personal info, and generally f@#k with anyone you don't like.
• 60% tuition stipend worth up to $6,000 (I still can't believe we added that, or Union management did when they took over.)
• Help shape the future of the club and pad your wallet at the same time!
• Free lifetime membership so you can "stay until you're grey".
• You get to be featured on this blog!

So nominate yourself now, or better yet, nominate someone you don't like!

Note: Next year's commodore has already been selected by Union administration, but we have to go through the election process anyway for appearances sake.