Teach sailing at Hoofers

Do you have what it takes to become a Hoofer Sailing instructor? Click below to see some of some of the perks that make this the most popular job in Madison! (javascript required)

Note that everything on this list is free for instructors. Best of all, these are things that general club members (a.k.a. customers) don't get....

[CLICK HERE to see Instructor perks]

HOOFER SAILING INSTRUCTOR BENEFITS:

1. Keys to the lakefront
2. a red lifejacket as a status symbol
3. cash for participating (i.e. hourly wage)
4. a locker at Hoofers
5. weekly private parties
6. weekly bonding meetings
7. whatever ratings you want (or fast-tracking if you're incompetent)
8. paid training
9. Your picture on the website and annual poster
10. elevated status
11. access to offices and other "club" spaces
12. unfettered access to HSC library, etc.
13. ability to add/alter/remove other people's ratings
14. ability to abuse others with penalties, etc.
15. immunity from prosecution for any screw-ups
16. liability insurance for those screw-ups
17. invites to private special events
18. membership on private email lists
19. private paid retreats each summer
20. instructor-only newsletter
21. free manuals of your choice
22. free annual instructor t-shirt
23. instructor swimsuit calendar (some years)
24. first choice at signing out boats
25. instant crew (e.g. for keelboats and scows)
26. access to computers, e.g. to check weather
27. use of VHF radios and other equipment
28. free beer paid for by general club members
29. ability to break the rules w/o repercussions
30. authorization to sail keelboats w/o the required crew
31. access to the shop for repairs, lines, etc.
32. A FREE annual membership

(If we've missed anything, please leave a commment!)

Simply put, HSC instructors are "the club". That's because we are cooler than other people. You can aapppply here.

Club Overview and Info

Do you crave abuse? Do you enjoy it when someone jumps on your stomach as you sleep on the living room floor after a party..? Do you love the sensation of being spanked with a paddle? If so, then Hoofer Sailing Club is the place for you!

INTRODUCTION

The Hoofer Sailing Club is a premiere educational organization located at the Wisconsin Union, UW-Madison. Contrary to what you might expect, though, the de facto purpose of Hoofers is not to teach sailing but rather sociology. And unfortunately, it is not taught in a formal environment but by trial and error--and without supervision. The development of political skills such as manipulation, misdirection, and defamation is strongly encouraged, and associated skills, e.g. misappropriation and "cooking the books" can be learned too. The sailing wrapper is used to this end, but any sociopolitical environment would suffice. Thus while it is certainly possible to learn to sail in Hoofers, you do so in an uncontrolled environment where self-designated "club leaders" are authorized to treat you as they please. It is much like a fraternity where hazing is explicitly allowed and where the faculty adviser is never around.

BEASTS OF BURDEN

It's no coincidence that the club's largest boat* is painted like a cow. New members must pay a $200+ membership fee up front, and then they are slapped with a supposedly refundable work hours deposit, weekly social fees, special event fees, and other costs. Meanwhile, some 100 club "leaders" pay nothing at all, and many are actually paid by the club, i.e. by you and the vast herd of cash cows that comprise the general membership. But wait, isn't this how the world operates..? People buy stuff, pay salaries to their employees, and so on, and the economy hums along, right? Yet, Hoofers is a club, not a service unit. The club's constitution requires that every club member be allowed to participate, including by teaching lessons on fleets they're qualified to sail.

The problems stem from an active effort by the commodore and his cronies to subjugate the other 700 club members, even passing new rules to help themselves do this. A well established core of paid instructors (overseen by the BOC) helps to control ratings and access to the best boats, among other things. Hence a rule that potential instructors must be "hired". Isn't it enough to be a good sailor and teacher..? Not in Hoofers. Paid staff (as opposed to volunteers, i.e. unpaid club members) ensure a vested interest in maintaining the status quo from year to year. If you've got a cush job, you'll do whatever you can to keep it.

HOW TO GET IN ON THE FUN

Of course, everyone can't take advantage of everybody else at the same time (don't quote us on that--it may actually be possible in Hoofers). However, if you manage to stick around long enough, say three or four years, and if you're ambitious, you've got a chance of becoming a Hoofer Leader yourself. Then you'll have upwards of 700 club members to milk and abuse (not including other leaders and instructors). Ultimately, it's the commodore who can and does do the most damage to the club because s/he has virtually no limitations on his authority. The commodore appoints all but one of the 20 other BOC (Board of Captains) members, and they know they're beholden to the commodore who can remove them on a whim. This happens periodically when a BOC member opposes questionable behaviour by the commodore. For details on how the club's predator-prey mechanism operates, see this page.

COST-BENEFIT ANALYSIS

For a couple hundred bucks, you can learn to sail dinghies and sailboards, and you won't run into trouble if that's all you want to do. But the club also has larger boats and yachts which are featured prominently in advertisements. The problems begin when you decide you want to sail those boats, too, because they are actually reserved for club leaders and their friends. According to the club's official website, anyone can join Hoofers and get rated on any boat. What they don't mention is that it can take 10 years to get rated on the most desirable boats--even if you can sail them masterfully after two.

Still not convinced? The new membership form is no longer referred to as a contract (as it was until 2007) but rather as an application because current club leaders might not actually let you join once they check out your college transcript, criminal record, and any dirty rumors they can dig up on you. It also states that even if you are allowed to join, your sailing privileges can be revoked for any reason at any time and that Hoofers can keep your money. Thus, if you join the club, find something wrong, and complain about it, it's adios and thanks for the $200 donation! Make sure to read the fine print before signing.

Hoofers prefers cash, but also accepts Visa, Mastercard, personal checks, cashier's checks, postal money orders, stocks, bonds, U.S. treasury notes, precious metals, unused stamps, and some foreign currencies. We're looking into the feasibility of taking Paypal, Bitcoin, and other cryptocurrencies. The more ways you can pay, the better!

Be sure to check out the rest of the Blog for more info!

*As of 2018, Soma was decommissioned (read: sold as scrap), but not for the reasons you might think.