Time to replace the Commodore

MARCH 17 UPDATE--Statement on The Virus:

Given the current state of affairs, we ask that Hoofer Sailing Club members and anyone else hanging around the Hoofer area please adhere to the following guidelines until such time that in-person classes may resume:

1. No more sharing of liquor bottles or beer bongs. From now on all alcohol shall be squirted, sprayed, or hosed directly into the mouth using a club-approved device.
2. No more intimate acts in the men's bathroom/locker room.
3. No more sushi or other raw meat in the office.
4. Happy St. Patty's Day!

NOTE: B.O.C. and instructors are of course exempt from the above rules.

WHERE is our commodore in this time of crisis? Does he have a plan to deal with the corona beer virus? Has he a plan for returning our beloved Techs to their past glory? It's also his job (not ours) to inform membership of the passing of beloved instructors.

Coincidentally, with spring break and the corona virus upon us, it's nearly time to hire, er, vote for a replacement commodore. You'll have to do this online, like everything else these days. In addition, the "town hall" event originally scheduled for March 27 has been cancelled. We are working on a virtual meeting that could be held online (that way you can only catch a computer virus). The way things are looking, with the cancellation or indefinite postponement of the NBA and major league baseball seasons, the whole 2020 sailing season may end up being online.

Are you interested in dealing with [stuff] like this..? Do you crave power? Do you enjoy abusing others? If so, then nominate yourself as commodore! Better yet, have someone else do it for you (that will look better than nominating yourself). It's not too late despite what the club's official website says.

Some benefits of becoming Hoofer Sailing Club commodore:

• a $6,000 annual stipend! (that sure covers inflation--just a few years ago it was $1,000)
• a $400 Wiscard allowance! ($50/mo for the school year)
• a FREE lifetime membership to HSC (and the Wis. Union)!
• It's a resume builder (although I'd be wary of using that, given Hoofers' slide in recent years)

Other benefits (not listed on the website for obvious reasons):
• The power to abuse others, including your enemies.
• Immunity from prosecution for any crimes you commit.
• First pick of hot new (or naïve) female club members.
• You'll be able to track down those hotties at home using the club's own database--and you'll be able to do it without leaving a trace! (the commodore is one of just a handful of people who have superuser access.)

Does that sound like a stretch? Many other officials who are charged with enforcing the rules instead violate the public trust and use their position of authority for personal gain, stalking, etc. Past HSC commodores and head instructors have committed crimes and regularly ignore the rules.

And that big fat stipend is obviously one reason why membership costs have outpaced inflation in recent years.

So don't just sit around chugging beers. Help HSC and the Union twist young minds into a lifetime of crime! Apply now for the paid position of Hoofer Sailing Club commodore!

Got balls?

Do you like to dance while sober? Do you often find yourself hanging out with underclassmen on Friday and Saturday nights? Are you looking for friends (and not finding any)? If so, then have we got an event for you...

It's the Hoofer Sailing Club's 2020 Snow Ball, this Friday Feb 7! If you never get invited to frat parties, and if you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) or other emotional issues, then the Snow Ball is just what the doctor ordered.

There will be dancing, prancing, awkward moments, and free Kool-Aid®. There will also be lots of people who are better than you, and if you've got balls, you may be able to meet one of them. It's an opportunity to better yourself!

And did we mention: FREE of BEER!

Just don't forget to bring your balls. Beach balls, baseballs, or little glass balls (marbles). But whatever you do, don't be throwing hundreds of them (or ball bearings) out onto the dance floor!

Free antiviral masks will be handed out at the door (free with your paid registration fee).

And that's not all!! This Saturday is the Ski & Snowboard Club's RAIL JAM, which oddly enough isn't listed with the week's other events on the Union's website. If you enjoy frostbite and respond well to authority, this will be a lot of fun too.

NOTE: Events end promptly at 11:45 PM because freshman have to be back at their dorms by 12.

Butt-plug fails, Packers get raped

SANTA CLARA.—This evening in northern California, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers--commonly known as A-Rod--tossed two interceptions and fumbled away a snap, resulting in three turnovers that doomed the Packers (14-4) from the start. The 49ers (15-3), who dominated the Packers in November 37-8, led today's NFC championship game 27-0 at halftime, an insurmountable lead they would not relinquish en route to a 37-20 win. The 49ers had nearly 300 yards on the ground against the overmatched Packers' defense.

Green Bay tried to make a game of it in the second half, outscoring the 49ers 20-10, but it wasn't nearly enough. The 49ers went into a conservative, rushing offense and a prevent defense for the entire second half, and had the Packers really threatened, the 49ers could have turned it back on and scored 50.

After the game, A-Rod passed the blame around. "We sucked," said the self-centered QB, who is now 1-3 in championship games. If he didn't say that, he certainly thought it.

Why do we hate the Packers so? We don't. We only dislike their quarterback because he's a jerk. After being drafted by former GM Ted Thompson in 2005, and after "Tittie" subsequently ran Brett Favre out of town on a rail so that his boy Rodgers could take over at QB, thousands of Packers fans screamed for Favre's return. In 2008, A-full-of-rod had this to say about the town's lack of love for him as the new team leader:

"Fans need to get on board or keep their mouths shut."[REF2, REF3]

In other words, forget Favre and get on board the A*-train, heh. Most fans got in line, but for many, Rodgers' arrogance stuck in their craw. A certain degree of arrogance and ego might be required to succeed in the ultra-competitive NFL, and Rodgers certainly has that. Nevertheless, we stand by our prediction made four years ago that the Packers will never see another Super Bowl with Mr. Obnoxious at the helm. He's almost over the hill now. What's worse, it will be a long, long time after he retires before another Super Bowl-caliber quarterback comes to Green Bay. Think Lynn Dickey--for the next 40 years. Kansas City just made it back to the Super Bowl after a 50 year absence.

Another thing not to like: even when the Packers are winning, Rodgers doesn't look like he's having any fun! He frequently leaves the field after scoring drives looking as if, well, as if he's got something up his butt. Maybe that's the look of intense determination. After all, 15 years later, he is still trying to escape the shadow of Favre.

So what does this have to do with HSC or the UW? Badgers fans should be happy--with the Kansas City Chiefs and San Francisco 49ers in the big game, it will be an all-cardinal affair.

*A. n., shorthand slang. the anus.

Dux win

PASADENA.—In southern California this evening, the Oregon Ducks beat the Wisconsin Badgers 28-27 in the 2020 Rose Bowl.

The UW played well overall, but four turnovers were too much to overcome. Nor was the passing game as dynamic as it had been during regular season wins over Nebraska and Minnesota. Late in the 4th quarter, a third down pass from QB Jack Coan to wideout Cephus Quintez fell incomplete, sealing Wisconsin's fate.

Was Cephus distracted by flashbacks to his dirty soirée with two white women last year? Or perhaps he was still a bit rusty, having been suspended from football for the 2018 season as a result. We tried to catch up with him after the game to get his view on this, but we're in northern California and the game was in southern California, so that wasn't possible.

"I'm thinking the better team didn't [sic] win, but the scoreboard says otherwise," commented one of UW's announcers after the game. "They [the UW] probably deserved to win this game," added his comic foil. Yeah, except not.

So what does football have to do with Hoofer Sailing? Both are UW-Madison sports that seem to cultivate abusers among their ranks. Abusive individuals may also be drawn to sports-centric organizations like these where they can regularly make physical contact with others while not drawing too much attention to themselves.

Stay tuned for some breaking ice sailing news.

Born yesterday

Someone recently shared the comic at right on the HSC Facebook page (there's another HSC FB page that is a propaganda page controlled by club insiders, but that one's not linked here). Of course, comics are funny to the degree that they reflect reality, and this one certainly does. It seems it was drawn by someone with extensive experience in Hoofers. Interesting that she or she didn't sign it, afraid perhaps of what crooked club leaders might do.

You should be afraid.

Anyone who's been abused by club leaders, had their deposit illegally withheld, been subject to discrimination or unfair hiring practices knows how true-to-life this comic is.

Even if the artist didn't intend it to mock Hoofers, this might be the funniest comic ever created to the degree that it draws attention to the crooked nature of Hoofer Sailing. Certainly on par with the best of ours. :)

The fourth panel could equally show an ad for Hoofer sailing, the doors to the boathouse, or something like that.

IMPEACH THE COMMODORE!

NOV 24 UPDATE: Tough 37-8 loss for the meat Packers in San Francisco on Sunday night. The big question is: Who is management grooming to replace A-Rod at quarterback? As we've already predicted, the Pack will never make it back to the Super Bowl with him at QB, so they might as well trade him while they still can.

Not the current one necessarily, but former commodore Lukas Duddleston committed various abuses while in office, including inappropriate touching, according to at least one witness, and possible libel and slander. Now he has slipped into an opening at webmaster and still wields power and influence within the club.

When someone becomes commodore (or obtains any position of power & authority), their true nature is revealed. The good begin to help those around them, while the less scrupulous start abusing their new-found authority. Who saw Lukas's speech at the Tsong Marina inauguration? He sounded more like a politician than a grad student in M.E. Abusing the less powerful while simultaneously pandering to those above him, Lukas knows where his bread is buttered.

Other past commodores have also committed abuses, though in some cases they were not criminal acts--the commodore simply took advantage of the position and its inherent authority.

It would be in the club's interest to have a mechanism for investigating allegations against the commodore, and the ability to remove him/her if the allegations are supported. That means a procedure that won't expose honest individuals to retaliation. In theory, the club's constitution allows a recall, but that rule has never been tested and requires the participation of more general "club" members than have ever been together in the same room, making it a something of sham.

The Union can remove the commodore for various reasons (or no reason at all, just as the U.S. president can recall an ambassador at any time) and has done so in the past, although the Union doesn't like to get involved unless there's something in it for them. In fact, there is an official Wis. Union policy that covers the "Hoofer coup," as it has come to be known.

The policy reads: "He grabbed me from behind and slipped his hand down my..." Oh wait, that's from a complaint about something else. Here's the policy. It says "Dear Mom, I can't pretend to be straight any longer..." Oh wait, dang, that's from something else that I also found on the Hoofer computers. What the heck are people doing in here late at night? Okay, here's the policy. It says the Union can remove the commodore, or pretty much any other Hoofer employee, for any reason as long as it's not discriminatory. (If it is discriminatory, then they need to come up with an excuse that doesn't sound like discrimination.)

It's too late to remove Duddleston as commodore, but he can still be removed from the BOC. If anyone else witnessed inappropriate acts by him over the past year-plus, share the details here or on Facebook. Especially things like bad-mouthing people behind their backs that are easy for the commodore and other club leaders to perpetrate. Has Lukas dropped out of grad school yet? If not, that might be grounds to remove him--no one could possibly do an adequate job as webmaster while also working as a grad student in engineering.

The fact that the BOC must be led by students means in essence that club leaders will be inadequate for the job. This isn't the crayfish club, after all. It's the largest quasi-student-run "club" in Wisconsin.

NOTE: Lukas Duddleston is a current and former state employee and former presiding officer of the Hoofer Sailing Club, University of Wisconsin-Madison.