Sobering stats for would-be instructors

So you passed the instructor exam (or not), and you've got an interview lined up. Woo hoo! Don't get your hopes up just yet though. Here are last year's stats:

* 117 applicants (65 return applicants and 52 new)
* Of the 52 new applicants, 27 got interviews
* of those 27, 14 were offered positions
* 73 instructors were selected overall

Thus, your odds of getting "hired" are over 90% if you're a returning instructor but just 25% if you're a new applicant. Amazingly, of the approx. 73 total instructors "hired" in 2009, every single one of them was white (see photo). None were African-American, none were Asian, and not a one was Native American, but you can bet they all could handle their liquor. Worse, not one single Hoofer Sailing Club member in 2009 was African-American! That's out of more than 800 club members!

Welcome to the most discriminatory club in the world which, by the way, is run by guys who are not only white, blue-eyed, native-English speaking crooks. They also--you guessed it--can handle their liquor.

Feb 27 update: Check out yesterday's Daily Cardinal front page article about diversity and discrimination at UW in general.

Good ol' Joe

It's only February but things are already heating up. Last week, a WPR radio show got a surprise caller. It was Joe Silverberg, long-time Hoofer sailing instructor and the elder of that exclusive club, promoting HSC as a volunteer organization. What's wrong with that, you say..? HSC is no more volunteer than Walmart is. More than 60% of the club's $300,000 annual budget goes directly to pay instructors and shop staff [ref]. The rest goes to buy beer for instructor parties, to purchase new boats, etc.

It is grossly inappropriate for a long-time Hoofer Sailing instructor, e.g. Joe S., to misrepresent the club to the public. Nor can Joe claim he doesn't know how things work at Hoofers, i.e. that the vast majority of instructors are paid, because he's one of them. Most HSC sailing instructors wouldn't even teach lessons unless they got paid. In fact, not one instructor who was paid last year offered to volunteer this year! That shows how committed most club "leaders" are to having a "volunteer" club. [NOTE: "instructors" should really be in quotes too since so many of them are incompetent, but that's another story.]

Even former commodore Matt Duerst wrote "yes" next to "Paid" and "NO" next to "Volunteer" on his instructor application. Want more evidence of the "volunteer" club that Joe imagines..? Check out the club's BOC minutes. There's a recent motion to let BOC members get paid too!! Hey, they just want their piece of the pie.

The culture of lying and duplicity and general criminality is slowly infecting everyone who comes into contact with it. Even good ol' Joe.

Hoofer keelboaters sink J24 in Carribean

On Monday Feb. 1, while most of use were freezing our butts off walking to class or hiking to work in Madison, some HSC members were enjoying the balmy breezes--and warm water--of the Caribbean.

HSC Large-Keelboat instructors Mike Moninger and Dennis Kennedy and other experienced Hoofer Sailing Club members who should have known better were racing keelboats off Grenada when along came a big puff. Seconds later, they all found themselves in the water, their boat sinking. Now, anyone who has sailed a J-24 knows that it simply can't be sunk. It's a small yacht with 1200 lbs. of lead in the keel which prevents it from capsizing. Even if you do somehow manage to roll it, e.g. in big waves, the keel will flip it right back up. That is, unless you left your cabin hatch wide open! Well, it's a pain in the butt to have to keep opening and closing that hatch when the beer and liquor are below. But you can't keep it up in the cockpit – J-24's just don't have enough cup-holders! So, you tend to leave the hatch open. Problem is, this wasn't Lake Mendota. It was the ocean.

Here's the story in the local Grenada news with photos. Check out those big waves. They must be, what, 1 or 2 feet in height?

Teach Sailing in 2010

Can you sail or windsurf? Are you popular and good looking? Can you handle your liquor? The Hoofer Sailing Club is searching for 20-25 new applicants to teach sailing in 2010. Part-time and full-time paid and volunteer positions are available. Applications (due February 18) can be printed off the club's official site or picked up at Memorial Union.

A typical day for a summer sailing instructor might include dragging yourself out of bed with a hangover at 8:45 a.m., racing to the Union, meeting with other hung-over instructors at 9 to put the motorboats in the water and discuss the on-the-water plan for your day, kicking back for awhile, grabbing lunch, taking a break to play on boats you'd like to sail, getting certified on those boats (there's nothing to it if you're an instructor), taking another break, and finally teaching one short 3-hour class for adults starting sometime in the afternoon. At sunset join a few fellow instructors for bar food or, more likely, head to someone else's house to get splashed again. Tuesday evenings at sunset are the weekly staff meetings followed by the official weekly instructor party*, but that doesn't stop us from getting wasted on other nights too! Best of all, it's always a private party--general club members aren't invited! Hoofer alumni often report that their time with Hoofers was one of the most enjoyable periods of their lives, though oddly, they often can't remember anyone's name.

+ Secret tips for getting hired![Show/Hide]

Here are our top 10 tricks for getting hired as a Hoofer sailing instructor. These have been picked up over the years and are passed along here just for you:

10. Show up for the interview drunk on your ass. They'll pretend that's not okay, but you'll find out otherwise.
9. Get a face transplant if you're not good looking.
8. Get breast implants if you think you need them.
7. Write smart-assed comments or draw little animations in the margins of the exam. Hoofer leaders don't care about sailing knowledge--they want party buddies who are fun!
6. Sand, patch, re-paint, and teak all 12 keelboats by yourself before the interview. If there's one thing Hoofer leaders like more than fun party buddies, it's people who will do the work for them.
5. Lie as necessary--references are never checked out.
4. Bring a liter bottle of Malibu to the interview. Better yet, bring a half-barrel of quality beer! Even though Union staff will quickly remove it, the act will resonate through the hiring committee and all but guarantee you the job.
3. Show up for the interview in your underwear--works regardless of gender.
2. Make sure it's your friends doing the hiring (accomplishing this is difficult if you're a new applicant). NOTE: do not combine with tip #3 above.
1. Let the Hoofer Advisor have his way with you prior to the completion of the instructor selection process!

Remember--you're not just applying for a job. You're joining a co-ed fraternity!

*Why does the club's official site say "an evening of fun social activity" instead of just being honest and saying "alcohol-drenched keggar"? Not once in the past 20 years has there been a Tuesday night "fun social activity" that didn't involve huge amounts of alcohol. In fact, few lessons are ever scheduled for Wednesday morning for that very reason.