Hoofer Staff Suspected of More Thefts

Are UW/Hoofer staff at it again? In the past, student Wis. Union employees have been caught stealing money in the Rathskeller, and Hoofer staff have committed various crimes including theft and fraud and embezzlement, among other things.

To try to deter ongoing criminal behavior, Wisconsin Union management installed hundreds of surveillance cameras throughout the building. Cameras are ubiquitous in commercial areas like Outdoor UW and the Rat. In the small Outdoor rentals area alone (photo), there are no fewer than five surveillance cameras, with more in the hallway.

Blanket surveillance serves two purposes. For one, it deters theft and other crimes, for obvious reasons. Secondly, it allows Union managers to spy on persons of interest, individuals they don't like, cute girls, etc. Many Wis. Union managers are pervs who would do that. They'll argue that surveillance is necessary given the Rathskeller thefts and past thefts from Hoofers of outboard motors, tools, equipment, etc. that were probably committed by employees. In the Rathskeller thefts scandal, several students were handcuffed and dragged away, prompting some 20 other student employees to quit in protest. Naturally they didn't like the idea of being handcuffed themselves and taken away in front of friends and other people. Hence we can assume that everyone who quit was also stealing from the till.

At Hoofers and Outdoor programs, the situation is similar. What's to stop an employee from pretending to ring up a sale, then simply pocketing the money? It doesn't work when someone uses a credit card, but plenty of people pay in cash. T-shirts and other items disappear, and no one really knows or cares what happened.

Except Big Daddy, who is watching on a dozen surveillance cameras. Hell, they could probably create a 3D model of you, the coverage is that good. Not coincidentally, some of the cams provide a good look down a bikini, too.

So why did the Union remove its webcam of the Terrace? Hoofers also used to have a webcam that you could use to check the flag, see if there was a sloop avaliable, check lake conditions, etc., but not anymore. Surveillance is only for those in authority. The rest of us get surveilled.

BOY + GIRL = C-CUP!

August, it's the pinnacle of summer, hot steamy nights, the birds and the bees, boy meets girl, instructors meet naïve paying club members, and so on.

Add Commodore's Cup to that, and it's a dangerous mix. Despite yesterday's red flag, C-Cup '21 is well underway and going great. Not compared to some past commodore's cups, maybe, but then Hoofers ain't what it used to be.

In the interest of keeping everybody healthy for the copulatory kerfuffle, all Hoofer sailors must follow the special C-Cup rules:

1. Alcohol of 80 proof or better must be carried at all times and used to wash touched surfaces and to rinse the mouth.
2. Non-consumable alcohol such as isopropyl shall not be carried because someone might drink it inadvertently.
3. In a pinch, beer may be used (that should work, right?)
4. Mouths should be rinsed regularly to kill germs and for fresh breath. Mount Gay Rum is recommended! (no swallowing if you're under 21)

Ladies, if during Commodore's Cup you are sexually assaulted at Hoofers, or touched, groped (see comments), or squeezed without your consent, please report it to the proper authorities. You could also describe your experience here for the benefit of others (you can do so anonymously).

Some male Hoofer Sailing instructors will try to cop a feel every chance they get. It can be as innocent as putting a hand on your shoulder, ostensibly to balance himself as he steps down into the cockpit, or it might mean squeezing down into the cabin when it's already occupied, or brushing your hand with his while demonstrating how to grind or tail a winch.

Male instructors will also undress you with their eyes (and do much more in their mind's eye). When you wear shorts or a bikini, you encourage it. It's why women in Islamic states wear less revealing attire. Sailing instructors have been known to slip into the Lake Lab for quick release when no one else is around (sorry, we can't be any more explicit than that).

However, if a guy you don't like is just looking at you or saying "hi" to you, there isn't much you can do, although in the past some women have made false reports that were effective.

Libel and slander are a cornerstone of Hoofer operations.

So let's everyone have fun and not get caught!

The round peg into the little round hole

Video just released shows the destruction and demolition of Toy Boat and the old J/29. Do you remember them? They were smashed to pieces in 2015. How about Maria and Soma? If you remember those boats, you have truly been around Hoofers for a long time.

Keelboats come and go here. Now we've got two Tartan-10's and a new 36 footer for the kiddies to fight over. Sometimes we have better boats, sometimes we have junkers like the T-10's. In any case, they all last for a few years until Hoofers damages them to the point where no one wants to fix them anymore, then they're trashed for the insurance money.

Here is an example of Hoofers abusing various keelboats. How some of them died:

• Toy Boat's mast broke because no one ever checked the cowling where the mast went through the deck, which had worn out, causing the mast to weaken and break.
• The J/29 simply got beat up until it wasn't worth repairing anymore. The final straw may have been when Chris F. ran it aground.
• Decoy, Hoofers' biggest boat ever, was run aground so hard that it almost tore the keel off. It had to be lifted out the next day--forever.
• Estrella (or was it Off-Call?) tore loose from its mooring and blew onto the concrete steps at the Union. Did club leaders tow it back out..? Nope--they let it bounce on the concrete all night so they could reap the insurance money.
• Maria was rammed by a drunken motorboater--not Hoofers' fault (amazingly). It had to be lifted out, but was repaired and found a third life years later in Montana!
• Soma--what ever became of Hoofer's most iconic boat? No one knows. (A certain ex-Hoofer is rumored to have Soma hidden in his backyard, camouflaged as a cow, still dreaming of repairing her one day.)

Amazingly, Hoofer keelboat instructors are [in]competent to sink boats anywhere--not just on Lake Mendota.

Remember when you were a kid and you were being selfish with your toys, and your mom said, "You share that with Stevie or I'll take it away!"? Of course you do. It's why you're in Hoofer Sailing Club now--you want to control the big toys.

There is a strong incentive for certain people to get rid of keelboats as fast as possible. When they get rid of one, you lose your ratings (or they become useless), and they regain control. It helps that there are plenty of filthy rich people out there willing to donate their beloved old boats to die in in Hoofers.

The moral of the story: If you feel like there are little bugs crawling all over your body, there probably are. (I get that feeling sometimes when I put on a hoofer life jacket.)

If the Facebook video link goes away, we'll post the videos to youtube. Thanks to the uploader.

LIFT-IN THIS SATURDAY

Despite the continuing pandemic and restrictions on campus, everyone is itching to get back to the lakefront and start drinking again, especially club hacks like Lukas D. He and a few others are also anxious to start slipping their hands where they don't belong again, as child molesters do. Abusers may be the ones who've been hit hardest by the pandemic--they haven't had anyone to abuse for more than a year now!

That's about to change, assuming things move forward as planned. The goal is to have restricted sailing starting next month, including seven (7) keelboats going into the water this Saturday.

By the way, guys--they are keelboats, not "keels" or "keel boats" (or BOC toys). Can we get a club secretary who at least knows how to read?

Lift-in is still scheduled for this Saturday, May 1, starting at 1 PM.

The photo above shows several of the keelboats all ready to go.

Thanks to JoAnn Long and many others who have spent hundreds of hours this spring sanding, painting, and repairing the boats to get them ready.

Rectal exam optional

Important news as the A-Rod-led Packers prepare to watch another Super Bowl on TV.

As of Monday, many campus buildings now have a "Badger Wellness Ambassador" (a.k.a. bouncer/enforcer) at the door or roaming the hallways, asking to see everyone's Badger Badge. As most members of the community already know, that's a cell phone app that proves you're not a virus breeder. Actually, it only proves you're probably not a virus breeder, and since most people don't have the virus at any given time, we didn't really need a cell phone app to tell us that.

The program provides jobs for people who are desperate for work. None of this leads to emotional wellness, but that's not the objective. It's a feel-good program so that UW admins can reopen while claiming they're doing everything they can to stop the spread of the virus (except teaching virtually). Starting next week (Feb 8), the rule will be enforced.

If you fail to comply, e.g. try to slip into a building without having been tested for Covid-19 within the past three days, you'll be detained and "referred to appropriate resources" (i.e. bumwackers in dark blue suits) for compliance. And they might do a lot more than ask to see your Badger Badge...

As an alternative to referral for corporeal punishment, you may unzip and present to a real, live, hungry badger (this is called a virus exposure). And as most 'sconnies know, badgers are omnivorous--they'll eat anything. The long and short of it (no pun intended) is: don't forget your cell phone, and don't let the battery die!

Hoofers will have their own wellness ambassador. Look for eyes peering out at you through the clear plastic window of a packed spinnaker. Other individuals such as Dave Elsmo and the commodore can also demand to see your Badger Badge. If they do, you should demand to see theirs first. Don't let them molest you.

Welcome to the third decade of the 21st century in Wisconsin.

Hoofer leaders function like a virus

This may be the most disturbing news story of the year. It's not on the coronavirus but is about an extremely professional and determined Russian covert operation against the United States:

https://www.businessinsider.com/spies-hunter-biden-emails-trump-giuliani-vulnerable-russian-intelligence-2020-10

The Russian tactics are not unlike those of a virus, which co-opts a cell's internal mechanisms for its own use. Viruses are parasites that derive all their requirements from the host cell. Since viruses can't obtain nourishment or reproduce on their own, they are in essence a kind of proto-life--rogue DNA that evolved parasitism as a means of survival (see image below), much as Hoofer leaders and sailing instructors are parasitic on paying customers, a.k.a. "club members".

The Russians are planting viruses of the mind--damaging ideas (commonly known as fake news)--which are co-opting not only Trump and stooges like Giuliani but also respected news organizations like the New York Post (a tabloid, but still a major news outlet) to help spread these mind viruses. The key tactic is noted in the article:

"in September, US intelligence analysts learned the Russians were planning to dump hacked and forged Burisma emails as part of an 'October surprise' targeting Biden before the election."

The genuine emails give the whole thing a ring of truth, while the fake emails do all the damage.

That's exactly how Hoofer leaders operate when they slander club members they don't like. If you want to f#@k with someone but can't do it legally, what are your options? Slander! Take something that's true (to give your lies a ring of truth), e.g. "He was at the lakefront on Friday afternoon," and then embellish it with some falshoods, e.g. "He kept staring at my girlfriend" or maybe just "he acted creepy." How can a person counter that sort of thing? Answer: They can't.

NOTE that we are not recommending anyone actually do that because it's criminal, but that is how Hoofer leaders and Wis. Union managers operate. Lies and misinformation are easy to perpetrate and very difficult to defend. That's why Trump and the Russians are doing it.

You can learn this and other Dark Arts in Hoofers, along with sailing, kayaking, horseback riding, and skiing!