How to make him go away

Are you a female club member, possibly a cute one, and some guy has been harassing you? He talks to you at the lakefront, he says "hi" to you on campus, maybe he even asked you out sailing, but you're not interested. He's just not your type, or maybe he's too old for you, or you've heard bad things about him (slander is the modus operandi in HSC, after all). Hoofers advertises itself as a social organization (see screen at right), but you don't have to be nice to every guy who comes along, even it's the commodore!

The solution? Make a false report to UWPD! Here's how it works:

   1. Start by complaining to a sailing instructor or other HSC staff, and make sure to embellish everything (after all, the target hasn't actually done anything wrong). For example, if an undesirable guy said "hi" to you, exaggerate that into something like "He followed me home" or "he rubbed his junk against me under the canopy". Nobody will have any way of knowing that he didn't do that. This will get the instructor on your side.
   2. If possible, pick an older male instructor who has daughters. There's always a chance he abused them in the past and will therefore be sympathetic to your plight (out of guilt or whatever).
   3. Make a scene on the lakefront at least once so others can see how upset you are by the undesirable guy.
   4. Be sure to exhibit symptoms like annoyance, distress, anxiety, fear, panic, angst, discomposure, and discombobulation (choose any three of the above).
   5. Whatever you do, don't ask the guy to leave you alone. If you do that, he'll still be around and might talk to you again at some point in the future. You want him gone, as in permanently (or at least until you graduate).
   6. Once you've got the instructor (or other Hoofer staff) on board as an accessory, call the cops! It will be extra effective if you can get the instructor to call them first--that will paint you as caring and virtuous before you ever even speak to police.

Like hungry piranhas, UWPD will gobble your story up, in part because of the current #MeToo climate where a woman simply can't tell a lie, and in part because cops are child abusers themselves and like to stalk women too. Crooked cops can't blow off a stalking/harassment report or it might make people suspicious of them. If at all possible, make the report to a female cop--she was likely abused herself in the past and will be doubly sympathetic.

From there, just sit back and let your lies work their magic! The undesirable guy will soon disappear, and you can get back to flirting with the dude (or dame) you really want. Hoofers is a social organization, after all!

NOTE: For entertainment purposes only. We aren't actually recommending that anyone do this, even though several Hoofer women already have. Making a false police report is a serious crime on par with hitting someone in the head with a baseball bat. Hoofer employees will be glad to help, though.

Btw, interesting statistics in the recent comment by Mr. Math, Thx.