LIFT-IN THIS SATURDAY

Despite the continuing pandemic and restrictions on campus, everyone is itching to get back to the lakefront and start drinking again, especially club hacks like Lukas D. He and a few others are also anxious to start slipping their hands where they don't belong again, as child molesters do. Abusers may be the ones who've been hit hardest by the pandemic--they haven't had anyone to abuse for more than a year now!

That's about to change, assuming things move forward as planned. The goal is to have restricted sailing starting next month, including seven (7) keelboats going into the water this Saturday.

By the way, guys--they are keelboats, not "keels" or "keel boats" (or BOC toys). Can we get a club secretary who at least knows how to read?

Lift-in is still scheduled for this Saturday, May 1, starting at 1 PM.

The photo above shows several of the keelboats all ready to go.

Thanks to JoAnn Long and many others who have spent hundreds of hours this spring sanding, painting, and repairing the boats to get them ready.

Rectal exam optional

Important news as the A-Rod-led Packers prepare to watch another Super Bowl on TV.

As of Monday, many campus buildings now have a "Badger Wellness Ambassador" (a.k.a. bouncer/enforcer) at the door or roaming the hallways, asking to see everyone's Badger Badge. As most members of the community already know, that's a cell phone app that proves you're not a virus breeder. Actually, it only proves you're probably not a virus breeder, and since most people don't have the virus at any given time, we didn't really need a cell phone app to tell us that.

The program provides jobs for people who are desperate for work. None of this leads to emotional wellness, but that's not the objective. It's a feel-good program so that UW admins can reopen while claiming they're doing everything they can to stop the spread of the virus (except teaching virtually). Starting next week (Feb 8), the rule will be enforced.

If you fail to comply, e.g. try to slip into a building without having been tested for Covid-19 within the past three days, you'll be detained and "referred to appropriate resources" (i.e. bumwackers in dark blue suits) for compliance. And they might do a lot more than ask to see your Badger Badge...

As an alternative to referral for corporeal punishment, you may unzip and present to a real, live, hungry badger (this is called a virus exposure). And as most 'sconnies know, badgers are omnivorous--they'll eat anything. The long and short of it (no pun intended) is: don't forget your cell phone, and don't let the battery die!

Hoofers will have their own wellness ambassador. Look for eyes peering out at you through the clear plastic window of a packed spinnaker. Other individuals such as Dave Elsmo and the commodore can also demand to see your Badger Badge. If they do, you should demand to see theirs first. Don't let them molest you.

Welcome to the third decade of the 21st century in Wisconsin.

Hoofer leaders function like a virus

This may be the most disturbing news story of the year. It's not on the coronavirus but is about an extremely professional and determined Russian covert operation against the United States:

https://www.businessinsider.com/spies-hunter-biden-emails-trump-giuliani-vulnerable-russian-intelligence-2020-10

The Russian tactics are not unlike those of a virus, which co-opts a cell's internal mechanisms for its own use. Viruses are parasites that derive all their requirements from the host cell. Since viruses can't obtain nourishment or reproduce on their own, they are in essence a kind of proto-life--rogue DNA that evolved parasitism as a means of survival (see image below), much as Hoofer leaders and sailing instructors are parasitic on paying customers, a.k.a. "club members".

The Russians are planting viruses of the mind--damaging ideas (commonly known as fake news)--which are co-opting not only Trump and stooges like Giuliani but also respected news organizations like the New York Post (a tabloid, but still a major news outlet) to help spread these mind viruses. The key tactic is noted in the article:

"in September, US intelligence analysts learned the Russians were planning to dump hacked and forged Burisma emails as part of an 'October surprise' targeting Biden before the election."

The genuine emails give the whole thing a ring of truth, while the fake emails do all the damage.

That's exactly how Hoofer leaders operate when they slander club members they don't like. If you want to f#@k with someone but can't do it legally, what are your options? Slander! Take something that's true (to give your lies a ring of truth), e.g. "He was at the lakefront on Friday afternoon," and then embellish it with some falshoods, e.g. "He kept staring at my girlfriend" or maybe just "he acted creepy." How can a person counter that sort of thing? Answer: They can't.

NOTE that we are not recommending anyone actually do that because it's criminal, but that is how Hoofer leaders and Wis. Union managers operate. Lies and misinformation are easy to perpetrate and very difficult to defend. That's why Trump and the Russians are doing it.

You can learn this and other Dark Arts in Hoofers, along with sailing, kayaking, horseback riding, and skiing!

Losing her faculties

OCT 18 UPDATE-- Coronavirus is getting out of control in Wisconsin, probably due more to Republican interference than to Chancellor Blank stare.

SEPT 26 UPDATE-- Contrary to reason, Chancellor Blank stare has decided to reopen again despite skyrocketing Chinavirus cases statewide. SOMEONE PLEASE SUE THAT PSYCHOPATH.

SEPT 19 UPDATE--The curve continues to steepen, with an alarming 2,500+ new Chinavirus cases on Friday. That blows the old record--set Thursday--out of the water. Former Gov. Tommy Thompson, always a douche and now the UW system president, played down the significance, yet a week or so ago, 1,000 new cases/day was a record. This good article summarizes the issues. The article notes that Big Ten football is starting soon--despite 42 UW-Madison players and coaches having tested positive so far. Wtf? Are there even enough players left to field a team..? I guess we need football to keep all the stupid people from going insane.

Chancellor Blank stare: Please withdraw the UW from football this fall and don't even think about resuming in-person classes. Or, get Covid-19 yourself and disappear so someone with more common sense can take over. Thank you, The Syndicate.

SEPT 9 UPDATE-- As expected, the UW has abruptly switched to 100% online instruction, supposedly for two weeks only. Covid-19 cases at the UW were going exponential after just one week of classes. This sucks because the UW is one of the top party schools--who wants to come here and not party? Partying with a creepy mask on is no fun, though (except on Halloween). Oddly, administrators continue to tout "contact tracing" as some sort of solution--but contact tracing is the most ridiculous waste of human resources since World War II. Anyway, the last chance to party has passed! Before you leave, consider swinging by Bascom to give Chancellor Blank stare a big hug and kiss goodbye!

SEPT 4 UPDATE-- Well whaddya know? Just three days into the semester, 420 UW-Madison students have been quarantined: all members of nine fraternities and sororities, 38 of whom just tested positive. Do you think those frat boys are going to stay in their rooms for the next 14 days? Nope. By next week, all 420 will have the virus, along with every other fraternity and sorority--and hundreds of other students and staff. Bye-bye semester. "Our goal is to stop any further spread of the virus among our students and the community," said Jake Baggott, director of University Health Services. Stop any further spread..? Is Baggott a moron, or did he say that on orders from the chancellor? Containing the burgeoning epidemic on campus at this point is like trying to put two dozen live grasshoppers back into a jar after someone removes the lid. In theory it might be possible... but it ain't gonna happen. Now, there's nothing you can do but run. City officials must be beside themselves.

MADISON, AUG 30-- With the sailing season a total loss, fall classes are set to start this Wednesday despite the ongoing pandemic. What fun it will be! Everyone required to wear creepy face masks in class, and whenever you're inside any campus building. All food pre-wrapped, with the virus sealed inside for you! No football. What's the point of having in-person classes in such an environment? But that's UW's "Stupid Restart" plan.

More than 86% of professors and teaching assistants oppose Stupid Restart. Will professors have to wear a mask while teaching..? Some might if they're forced to teach in-person, yet the very idea is preposterous.

So picture yourself sitting in class for an hour at a time wearing a hot, itchy mask, the instructor's breath spraying on you, with everyone spaced out because the person next to you might be carrying a deadly disease. Do you think you'll be able to concentrate on chemistry or calculus or anything else like that? And will you even be safe..? Masks don't guarantee that the virus doesn't spread--they only reduce the chances. Frat parties and other off-campus socializing will go on without face masks regardless.

The fall semester is just underway at other universities and already there have been outbreaks forcing some to go entirely online, including at NC-Chapel Hill, Iowa State, and others. A major outbreak at UW-Madison is inevitable and will quickly force everything online anyway according to a UW prof. Contact tracing is a joke (propagated by people like Rebecca Blank stare), useless in the densely populated environment of UW.

This past Monday, a large group of public officials wrote a letter of concern to the chancellor begging her not to start in-person classes. Doing so will mean many thousands of students coming to campus daily to infect each other and thousands of staff members, many of them elderly and/or minorities and thus at greater risk from the virus. But why should we care?--we're young and at reduced risk!

I along with the other blog admins do not want to have to sit in class wearing a hot, uncomfortable mask, next to people who may be sick. Although the Chinese virus has a low fatality rate for young people (unless you're obese), it has many serious side effects that are only gradually becoming known. One is a tendency to cause hundreds of microclots in the organs of individuals who get the virus. Another is long-term headaches and fatigue that can be incapacitating. What other goodies await?

We would love to have classes, go to football games, party, and heck, even study at the library. But we would like even more not to catch the virus. Therefore, we echo the aldermen's plea to Chancellor Blank stare: SWITCH TO ONLINE INSTRUCTION NOW for all courses that can be taught online, which is practically everything. Even most lab courses can be taught online these days.

One reason the chancellor is so anxious for in-person classes is: she's old and doesn't know about things like Zoom, Skype, Google Hangouts, Facebook, or cell phone cameras and thus doesn't realize how easy videoconferencing (and teaching) is these days. Some professors probably don't know either. Another reason is: The UW wants the money.

Those are not good reasons.

Chancellor Blank stare: You will be personally responsible for each and every person who gets sick and dies here as a result of resuming in-person classes this fall.

Happy sailing (in 2021).

Sailing vicariously

Given the depressing lack of sailing in 2020, we decided to make a list of good sailing (or sailing-related) movies, and even re-watched a few of them. Watching a movie about sailing isn't as good as actually sailing, but it may be the next best thing! So, here's the ultimate list, ranked (roughly and subjectively) from awesome to great to very good....

Captain Blood (1935, b&w). English doctor is wrongly convicted of treason, sold into slavery in the Caribbean, becomes a pirate.
Sweet!

Mutiny on the Bounty (1962). Marlon Brando, Trevor Howard, Richard Harris. This spectacular remake is one of the best movies ever put on film and has aged exceptionally well, with a haunting ending that differs from the other two versions. The 1935 film (Charles Laughton & Clark Gable, b&w) is great when on board ship but is weakened somewhat by mediocre Tahiti sequences.

The Bounty (1984). Mel Gibson plays Fletcher Christian, who's just about had enough of Capt. Bligh. Anthony Hopkins, Daniel Day-Lewis, Liam Neeson, Laurence Olivier, and naked island hottie Tevaite Vernette round out the amazing cast. Better than the 1962 movie in at least one way--cuter Tahitian women.

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003). Square-rigger captained by Russell Crowe pursues enemy warship around Cape Horn and beyond. Does that sound like fun? You bet.

Captain Horatio Hornblower (1951, in full color). Gregory Peck captains British warship on secret mission into the Pacific. Seems to have inspired Master & Commander, and about as much fun too.

Dead Calm (1989). Sam Neill, Nicole Kidman, and Billy Zane--together at sea? This one is a slow burning kicker.

White Squall (1996). Teenage boys crew schooner for summer class, run into storm, get skipper Jeff Bridges into big trouble. We know certain Hoofer staff will love the teenage boy theme (and others will relate to being in big trouble).

Kon-Tiki (2012). Great remake of Thor Heyerdahl's historic trans-pac adventure aboard a balsa sailing raft, plus a whale shark!

Billy Budd (1962, b&w, widescreen). Mutiny threatens aboard a British square-rigger, with lots of solid action and drama.

All is Lost (2013). Solo circumnavigator Robert Redford runs into the #1 terror of offshore sailors--a shipping container (no it's not the weather) floating just beneath the surface of the Indian Ocean. Character study has its moments and is well worth seeing.

Wild Things (1998). Two superhotties pull doublecross. Not really a sailing movie but worth seeing just for the final sequence, which is all sailing! Great cast includes Neve Campbell, Denise Richards, Kevin Bacon, Matt Dillon, Robert Wagner, & Bill Murray.

Waterworld (1995). Kevin Costner roams future Earth looking for "Dry land". Holy metallic monsters, could Hoofers build a catamaran like that one..?

Maidentrip (2013). 14-year-old girl attempts solo circumnavi-gation. Pretty intense, and a decent clinic in offshore sailing too.

Captain Ron (1992). Kurt Russell is a hard-partying skipper-for-hire in this Hooferesque comedy.

Jaws 2 (1978). Though nothing compared to the original Jaws (1975), this decent sequel is worth seeing just for the scene where their mom opens up the book on sharks, and.... The sailing attack scene is also great.

Extraction (2020, Chris Hemsworth). Okay, so this isn't a sailing movie at all, but it has a brief shot of a gunboat on a river.... and it totally rocks!

Well, that's all we've got. No doubt we've missed some, so feel free to add other good sailing flicks in the comments. IMDb is a good place to find details on any of the above. Note that no Pirates of the Caribbean movies are on this list because we're not including kiddie flix (and they all sucked).

Interview with the HOI?

Due to the lack of sailing news, we recently requested an interview with the former head of instruction but were turned down. However, if we had obtained an interview, it almost certainly would have gone something like this (note that we're referring to him as Micky Burger to protect his identity):

Blog: Thanks for agreeing to do this interview.
Burger: I didn't agree. You threatened to report me if I refused.
Blog: That's splitting hairs. Anyway, first question... Why do you think you're better than other people?
Burger: I don't think I'm better. Heh heh.
Blog: I mean 'you' the Hoofer Sailing Club leadership.
Burger: That's like asking white folks why they think they're better than black folks.
Blog: Uh, it's nothing like that, really.
Burger: Hoofers are better than other people, and if you join Hoofers, you'll become better too. Like joining a country club, if they'll let you.
Blog: That mindset seems to infect other Wisconsin Union employees too. Do you think it's because they're losers and are trying to talk themselves up?
Burger: Am I supposed to answer that?

Blog: How about giving us an update on the coronavirus situation and how it affects Hoofers?
Burger: All that's happening right now is B.O.C. meetings. No sailing. I brought this six pack from home because you need a reservation now just to buy beer on the Terrace.
Blog: Yeah, that sucks.

Burger: I love the teenage boy theme in "White Squall". Did you ever see that movie?
Blog: Uh, what?
Burger: [polishes off first can of Old Milwaukee] No?

Blog: Okay, let's move to another topic. What do you think of the recent rioting by the Black Lives Matter movement?
Burger: Yeah, yeah, I know--there are no blacks in Hoofers.
Blog: That wasn't really the question.
Burger: Okay, if they can say black lives matter, can I say that white lives matter even more..? Do I have freedom of expression to say that, or is it like some sort of hate crime?
Blog: Is that what you're saying?
Burger: I'm saying the vandalism on State St. made me sick. And I don't think Hoofers doesn't have black members because we discriminate, if that's what you're asking.
Blog: Ah, that's not really what I was asking. Not yet anyway.
Burger: I just think that white lives matter too. All lives matter, and frats are great at demonstrating that.
Blog: [laughs] Uh, by using racial slurs and having blackface parties and stuff?
Burger: [gulping beer] My frat never did those things.
Blog: But it is having a problem with coronavirus.
Burger: No comment.

Blog: Of course not. Okay, moving on, what's your opinion of Porter Butts?
Burger: He was a great Hoofer and a fine administrator.
Blog: Did you know he was a member of the KKK?
Burger: [drains beer] That's ridiculous. Even if he was, it's not like he was out burning people at the stake.
[Editor's note: Butts was the first Wis. Union director and a member of the KKK.]
Blog: So you don't see any connection between the Grand-daddy of the Wisconsin Union having been a KKK member and the extreme whiteness of Hoofers?
Burger: Oh my gosh, you people are just totally fixating on that.
Blog: Uh, what people?
Burger: Anyone who's not on the club's payroll.

Blog: There are rumors that Hoofer Sailing Club is discriminatory.
Burger: Well, sailing is mainly a sport for young white people. I mean young people. I mean anyone who wants to try it. We absolutely don't discriminate in Hoofers.
Blog: Okaay. So, what's your take on the Supreme Court's decision to cancel the governor's stay-at-home order?
Burger: I think the Republicans did a great job--it let us go bar-hopping again for awhile, and it will result in fewer Democrats voting against them this fall.
Blog: Uh, what?
Burger: Well, Covid-19 disproportionately affects minorities, so lifting the protective order and preventing any new ones will obviously have that result. I assume Robin Vos and Scott Fitzgerald had that in mind when they sued the governor.
Blog: Hmm, interesting point.
Burger: But those two are still crooks.

Blog: [pauses] Okay, what did you like best about the head instructor job?
Burger: The opportunity to work with the youth program. You get to massage, er, manage young men, I mean young minds. You know what I mean.
Blog: Not exactly.
Burger: [gulps beer] The best thing about the HOI job was that it was a paid position. And you get to order people around.
Blog: That's kind of what we figured.

Burger: If we're finished here, could I put in a little plug for Hoofers?
Blog: I suppose so.
Burger: Hoofer Sailing Club rocks, and you can join online right now! We've lowered the price because there's no actual sailing this year, but you can make better friends virtually!
Blog: Ah, prices haven't actually gone down.
Burger: Whatever. It's like Capt. Picard said: 'In the 24th century, we no longer work to accumulate wealth; we work to better ourselves'. Well, you can better yourself by joining Hoofers, and I can accumulate your wealth!
Blog: Well said. Do you mind if I pop that last can of Old Mil?
Burger: If you're buying the next round.

NOTE: If the former HOI (or current HOI) would like to do an interview, we'd be happy to publish that here too.